Decisions, Choices and Whatnot

It is always such a relief when a decision is finally made. There is a lighting of spirit, the renewal of hope and the ability to move on.

There has been many times when I held onto a situation, long past the point of leaving—the inability to let go because it will get better(whatever the circumstances was), it will change, and I just knew that it would eventfully work out. That is how I stayed in a bad second marriage way past the point of no return; remained in the Army for thirteen years (a combination of active duty and National Guard) and stayed in that last job of mine, cubiclized and compartmentalized for ten years, which was at least eight years too long.

Of course, there is also, are the times when I gave up too soon. The first marriage that I didn’t know how to fight for, the fact that I left military service before I had my twenty years for retirement and regretting that decision for over ten years before I finally let it go, even though at the time it was the right choice.

What I have finally learned through these decisions and others unmentioned is to make a choice and let it go. No regrets and no second-guessing. Go boldly forward, striding into the knowledge that life can be a journey. That the journey is always forward even if it doesn’t seem like it and that while I might not always make the right choice, those decisions are mine to make.

So what is this post leading up to?

This past Monday, I made the decision to leave Benin and come back to the United States. It was not a frivolous choice, but a painful and difficult one not lightly taken—that the Peace Corps was not right for me in this time and place I’m in.

The first week in Benin was a combination of major jetlag and the not unexpected stress of weeklong orientation to learn about my new environment and what was expected of a Peace Corps volunteer. After orientation, the first training week, I changed into this anxious and fearful woman, fighting my inability to move past the basic beginnings of French, the expectation that I had to do extreme biking, riding on a back of motorbike in country where there is no road rules, culture shock, being apprehensive about buying lunch from street vendors and general malaise. After a week, I broke down and talked to the Peace Corps staff and I found out that modifications to the training program could be made and individualized for a trainee. I now had my own language teacher and a slowed down pace for French, didn’t have to ride my bike, and my host family continued to bring me to the training sites and also brought my lunch to me each day.

There was still no progress, accept for me being even more overshadowed by my fears and anxieties. I went to see my assigned Peace Corps physician who made the determination that perhaps I was having a reaction to Mefloquine, an anti-malaria drug and she switched me to Doxcycline. She advise me it would take 7-10 days to for the Mefloquine to completely leave my system and also offered me counseling via phone with an expert in D.C.

This past weekend, August 8/9, was the first time I felt like myself since I arrived in Benin. I took this opportunity to rationally (not emotionally) to consider all the pros/cons about staying in Benin. With the realization, that while the Mefloquine made all my fears and anxieties seem larger than they were, they were still valid; and that perhaps, if I only had the language issue to deal with I could have dealt with the other issues, or vice-versa.

So, I made the decision that the Peace Corps was not the right choice for me at this time and that I needed to go home.

BTW, don’t look for me in Connecticut right now, as I’m hanging out in southern California, considering my options about what is next for me and where I really want to do. Be excited for me as I am for myself…life can be an adventure and I’m looking forward the next leg of my journey.

First on the list:

French! I’m going to continue working on French, kicking and screaming all the way, no matter how long it takes. I feel that with the last several months of studying French there has to be a French framework lurking somewhere in my mind…I just need to find a way to access it!

Secondly: To make a decision as to whether to stay in CA or go back to CT.

Cheers!

Back to Training in Porto-Novo

Up early to cram in internet time before I have to catch the early shuttle back to Porto-Novo.

Mood: Calm and well-rested

I'm looking forward to today's technical training which is: Mud Stoves, we will learn how to make one (hands on) What fun!

With the hour + ride back, morning traffic, I will either miss all or most of French. I haven't done any French at all since this Saturday, bad bev, bad. Between being sick and letting go of everything while I was in Cotonou because I really needed the mental break from my major stressor, so no French.

But no need to fear, I will drive on and forward.

Ups and Downs

Right now it is difficult to add a lot of content with limited internet access...this is the first time I been online since my last post. There will be “Flash Back” posts sometime in the future.

Training is intense and overwhelming, and there have been days when it all seems to be impossible…especially the FRENCH. The BIKE, the EVERYTHING. I hit a major stress wall and wasn’t able to get over it myself. Finally asked for help and modification has been made for me with the French, in that, the pace has been slowed, content adapted to my learning style, breaks, no more 2 hour long sessions and I have my own French teacher. I don’t have to ride the bike here, my family has been taking me back and forth. Now, that we are at the main training site, I live close enough to walk and the family will walk me back/forth until I’m comfortable with doing it on my own. I don’t think so! The other help is that I was sent to my PCMO (Peace Corps Medical Officer) at HQ in Cotontou make sure there isn’t any medical problems.
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Edited from a recent family email.

OMG, I had a HOT bath last night. I was expecting a hot shower, but, but a tub!!!!! The only bathtub at HQ is in one of the sick rooms and I got it. Thought I wasn't going to get a bath again until whenever I returned.

I will be talking with the doctor this morning and of course I'm anxious about that too!

In Cotonou there is a wide variety of food: Last night I had falafels and a hummus/salad side. Before that, my Beninois family been feeding me, even bringing me lunch to the training site when "Mama" found I was just eating fruit that I brought from the house, because I been anxious about buying vendor food (both the buying of and eating of) Yesterday lunch was white yams with a tomato/onion compote thingy. So last night's dinner was the first time that I spent any of my walk around money that we receive. We just got the second payment. This best 4,000 CFA franks I ever spent...I know, I know, this was the first 4,000 CFA I have ever spent.

Afternoon notes:

Had a good long conversation with Dr. Lomo, first, a mini physical, general blood work to make sure I haven't picked up anything. Also, she changed my anti-malaria meds from Mefloquine to Doxycycline. It might be possible that the Mefloquine was magnifying the general anxiety that is usually expected with an intense training period and being in a different environment etc. A general depression screening... and sometime in the next few days or so I'll be in a phone conference with and a medical health expert in DC.

Peace Corps rocks, for a government agency, that is. I have been quite impressed with the whole operation, thus far.

It might be that Benin or the Peace Corps isn't a good fit for me, the Dr. & I also discussed this and she was impressed with my willingness to make sure all bases are covered and IF I do come home early, there will be no doubts and whatifs to haunt me.

Mood: Quiet and comfortable with impending choices and decisions.

:) Of course the hot bath last night and the anticipation of another tonight that really helps with the mood...a quiet space for reflecting w/o sweating!!!!

I found out that I can really sweat! Use to be, that the most I could really work up to was, dewy. Though I think I remember a few sweaty Army days and recently with the farm work, some light dripping. Now, I'm coated with sweat 24/7, I kid you not.

Thus, which means I'm drinking 2-3 liters or more of water a day...all which has to be filtered and boiled. (by moi)

I lucked out with my Beninois family in that I got a room with my bathroom connected WITH a flushing toilet WITH a seat and a shower. Trust me, besides the fact to have a toilet to have one with a seat amazing! The shower is cold water...but cold is good, very good.

Squat toilets are not as difficult to use as I thought, though public squat latrines can get rather nasty. I forgot my Go-Girl the first day that it was a squat toilet latrine day. The Go-Girl makes a major difference in the quality of the squat experience, in that, well you don’t have to squat for the usual elimination process. So far, Mother Nature has cooperated with scheduling bowel movements in the morning before I leave the house. And when I got hit with food poisoning on Sunday, which was an off day so I was comfortable in the privacy of my own bathroom. No vomiting! Just the other business

Be assured and at ease, your mom is in good hands
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