Decisions, Choices and Whatnot

It is always such a relief when a decision is finally made. There is a lighting of spirit, the renewal of hope and the ability to move on.

There has been many times when I held onto a situation, long past the point of leaving—the inability to let go because it will get better(whatever the circumstances was), it will change, and I just knew that it would eventfully work out. That is how I stayed in a bad second marriage way past the point of no return; remained in the Army for thirteen years (a combination of active duty and National Guard) and stayed in that last job of mine, cubiclized and compartmentalized for ten years, which was at least eight years too long.

Of course, there is also, are the times when I gave up too soon. The first marriage that I didn’t know how to fight for, the fact that I left military service before I had my twenty years for retirement and regretting that decision for over ten years before I finally let it go, even though at the time it was the right choice.

What I have finally learned through these decisions and others unmentioned is to make a choice and let it go. No regrets and no second-guessing. Go boldly forward, striding into the knowledge that life can be a journey. That the journey is always forward even if it doesn’t seem like it and that while I might not always make the right choice, those decisions are mine to make.

So what is this post leading up to?

This past Monday, I made the decision to leave Benin and come back to the United States. It was not a frivolous choice, but a painful and difficult one not lightly taken—that the Peace Corps was not right for me in this time and place I’m in.

The first week in Benin was a combination of major jetlag and the not unexpected stress of weeklong orientation to learn about my new environment and what was expected of a Peace Corps volunteer. After orientation, the first training week, I changed into this anxious and fearful woman, fighting my inability to move past the basic beginnings of French, the expectation that I had to do extreme biking, riding on a back of motorbike in country where there is no road rules, culture shock, being apprehensive about buying lunch from street vendors and general malaise. After a week, I broke down and talked to the Peace Corps staff and I found out that modifications to the training program could be made and individualized for a trainee. I now had my own language teacher and a slowed down pace for French, didn’t have to ride my bike, and my host family continued to bring me to the training sites and also brought my lunch to me each day.

There was still no progress, accept for me being even more overshadowed by my fears and anxieties. I went to see my assigned Peace Corps physician who made the determination that perhaps I was having a reaction to Mefloquine, an anti-malaria drug and she switched me to Doxcycline. She advise me it would take 7-10 days to for the Mefloquine to completely leave my system and also offered me counseling via phone with an expert in D.C.

This past weekend, August 8/9, was the first time I felt like myself since I arrived in Benin. I took this opportunity to rationally (not emotionally) to consider all the pros/cons about staying in Benin. With the realization, that while the Mefloquine made all my fears and anxieties seem larger than they were, they were still valid; and that perhaps, if I only had the language issue to deal with I could have dealt with the other issues, or vice-versa.

So, I made the decision that the Peace Corps was not the right choice for me at this time and that I needed to go home.

BTW, don’t look for me in Connecticut right now, as I’m hanging out in southern California, considering my options about what is next for me and where I really want to do. Be excited for me as I am for myself…life can be an adventure and I’m looking forward the next leg of my journey.

First on the list:

French! I’m going to continue working on French, kicking and screaming all the way, no matter how long it takes. I feel that with the last several months of studying French there has to be a French framework lurking somewhere in my mind…I just need to find a way to access it!

Secondly: To make a decision as to whether to stay in CA or go back to CT.

Cheers!